The purpose of this document is to be a step-by-step guide to help you through this difficult time by walking you through the various stages of the halachic process of mourning.  The customs and rituals around bereavement are meant to help the bereaved through the process of grieving, provide an infrastructure for community involvement in supporting and comforting the mourners and to assist and aid the soul of the deceased as they ascend into the next world.

This is not meant to be a comprehensive  guide to all contingencies, but rather a basic overview to help you understand the process. It does not in any way replace the role of a Rabbi in helping you understand how these general rules fit your specific case.  For a full in-depth book on all the ins and outs of the halachot and of mourning and their significance we recommend Maurice Lamm’s The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning.

Step 1: Aninut

Immediately upon learning of the death of an immediate relative (Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter or Spouse) one enters the phase of Aninut. In this phase, Torah prohibitions such as eating non kosher remain in place but one is excused from any positive religious obligations.  This includes saying Shema, praying, making blessings and all other ritual obligations. 

Furthermore engaging in celebratory or indulgent experiences is forbidden including eating of meat and drinking wine.  Reasons given for this extreme suspension of religious duties and abstinence from indulgence  include the understanding that losing a loved one is so distressing that a person may not have the settled mind necessary to focus themselves on prayer, and to ensure that they are free to make the necessary arrangements with the Chevra Kadisha (Jewish burial society) and with the cemetery for proper internment.

Those wishing to personally  participate in the preparation of the body for burial should tell the chevra kadisha so they can be included in the process.  In this phase, seeing to the final needs of the deceased is the primary focus, and processing one’s own grief must wait until the funeral and Shiva.  For someone who is not planning on attending the funeral , the Aninut phase ends as soon as they make the decision not to attend and “turn their face away” from the funeral.  Such a person immediately proceeds to the phase of Shiva.  For everyone else, the phase of Aninut lasts until the funeral and burial.

Step 2: The Funeral

Why Burial?  Of God’s creation of Humans, it is written, (Genesis 2:7) “And, the LORD God formed Man from the dust of the Earth. He blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living being.”  We learn from this that while we are alive, humans are a combination of Earth and Divine spirit.  When we die, those two substances must separate. When the body is interred properly in the Earth, the soul can also ascend back to its Divine source.  If however the body is cremated, buried at sea, launched into space or otherwise not (3:19) “returned to the Earth from whence it was taken” the soul cannot properly ascend to Heaven. Therefore, Torah law prescribes burial in a Jewish cemetery in a simple wooden casket (at most) which will fully biodegrade and allow the body to become one with the Earth.  The soul can then return to God and be re-unified with the Source of Spirit.

It is often appropriate to include brief text about the person, for example, “Beloved husband, father and grandfather.”  Often, some other appropriate words may be added, such as “A woman of valour”, or “An inspiring and loving man”.  These statements should be short and simple.  It is also Jewish custom that such statements about the deceased should be humble, and should not embellish the deceased’s qualities and praises, as the deceased’s soul will have to account for what is written during judgement.

The funeral itself consists of several distinct parts.  First we begin by saying some psalms or verses of scripture which are meant to honor the deceased and comfort the mourners.  Psalm 23 is commonly read as well as chapter 31 of Proverbs, Eishet Chayil for righteous women.  

Following the introductory readings, Eulogies are given; sometimes by family members, sometimes by the rabbi or other community leaders.  This serves two purposes, to arouse the merit of the deceased by highlighting their good points, and to give the mourners and community permission and the opportunity to cry and express grief.   

After the Eulogies, the funeral procession accompanies the body to graveside, meanwhile chanting psalm 91.  At the grave, people all participate in the mitzvah of burial by shoveling dirt into the grave, and then the graveside kaddish is said.  This is a unique prayer which focuses on the resurrection of the righteous in the post-messianic era. This Kaddish is different from the mourner’s kaddish which will be said thereafter in Synagogue, and is only recited by the immediate family members of the deceased.  Transliteration will be provided for those who need it, but this could also be read in English.

We generally refrain from bringing flowers to the grave at Jewish funerals.

Step 3: Sitting Shiva

Sitting Shiva is the most intense and focused part of the bereavement process.  For the seven (Sheva) calendar days following the funeral, mourners are in this phase.  However, “a part of a day counts as a whole day”, so, for example, if the funeral were Tuesday morning, Shiva would end the following Monday after sitting for even a short time.

Shiva is called sitting, because the essence of the process is simply sitting and processing one’s emotions. Generally people stay at home and work through their feelings as people come visit them usually in their home.  We generally encourage people to publicize specific times when people can come visit them so that they are not overwhelmed, but it is also not necessarily a great time to be alone. Having family, friends and community support is critical at this time, and it is appropriate to ask for company if you feel you need it.  While food is often served, it should not be the responsibility of the mourner to provide it.  rather providing food for the mourners is part of how the community supports them.

Comforters generally greet mourners with the phrase “Hamakom yenachem etchem b’toch shaar avlei Tzioyon V’yerushalim” May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. This custom implies that we recognize the loss as something worthy of mourning, and that it is not merely an individual loss but a loss to the whole of the Jewish People. 

The Hebrew word for “sitting” also means “refraining”, hence the Shiva week brings with it a number of things from which we refrain.  These include anything which is seen as a celebratory or indulgent behavior. Even sitting on luxurious chairs or coaches is generally avoided, and it is customary to either sit on the floor or remove the cushion from the couch. Some people even take their mattress down to the floor rather than sleep on an elevated bed.  We also refrain from distracting pleasantries such as watching TV, listening to music, shopping for new clothes or vacationing. Even learning Torah is seen to be something joyous and other than subjects relative to mourning. Grooming (more than minimal), taking haircuts and pleasure bathing are generally avoided, and the mirrors are covered.  Marital relations are also prohibited during Shiva.

Another custom of mourning is the tearing of the clothes, or kria in Hebrew.  This is usually done on the shirt or outer garment, and the torn garment is symbolically worn for the entire week of Shiva. For one’s parent’s the tearing is done near the heart on the left side whereas it is done on the right side for other family members. Today some people tear a tie, scarf or other garment, or even wear a torn ribbon rather than tear their actual clothing. 

All of these refrainings and rituals are to facilitate the focussed process of mourning.  Take the time to feel your feelings, whatever they may be.  write in a journal, look at family pictures, tell stories and reminisce, and give yourself space to work through the entire range of emotions you may be experiencing. It is ok and even encouraged to cry, but there’s no need to force it.

Prayer: Another part of the cathartic process is prayer.  This also facilitates participation in the community. Even those who generally do not engage in daily prayer with a minyan are strongly encouraged to do so during shiva.  To that end it is often arranged for people to come pray with the mourners in their home.  This is colloquially known as “making a shiva minyan”.  Reverend Marciano generally arranges these for Schara Tzedeck members as do the clergy of other synagogues for their membership.  If you prefer to come to shul rather than have minyanim in your home,  arrangements can be made to host a shiva event at the synagogue to allow for the community to comfort the mourners there instead.  During the Shiva,  the mourners recite the mourner’s kaddish and kaddish d’rabbanan in the appropriate parts of the service

Mourning on Shabbat:  On Shabbat we avoid any public signs of mourning in order to honor the Shabbat. Therefore it is normal to wear one’s standar shabbat clothing, bathe and groom themselves normally (not shave or take a haircut) and come to Shul.  There is a special moment during Kabbalat Shabbat in which we welcome the mourners into the community following L’cha Dodi.   Mourners still recite Kaddish on Shabbat.  However, at home and in private, mourning customs remain in place. 

Step 4: Shloshim

Ater the conclusion of the Shiva week, the next time period is called Shloshim, or “thirty” lasting until thirty days after the funeral. This is a less intensely focussed period, but nevertheless serves a similar purpose as Shiva, to facilitate the cathartic release of grief and keep the mourners integrated in the community.  

During Shloshim, mourners still refrain from participation in any public celebration including festivities around weddings, bris or other simcha. You may attend the ceremony itself, but the celebratory meal thereafter. One also refrains from getting married themself.  It is also customary to refrain from listening to music during shloshim although some halachic authorities allow recorded music but not live.  While personal grooming and bathing are not restricted, it is still customary to refrain from getting a haircut (or perm or dying etc) or a manicure/pedicure as these are seen as overly celebratory.  Similarly, indulgent pleasures such as massages and hot-tubbing are generally avoided although they are certainly not forbidden for therapeutic purposes. Wearing brand new clothing is generally avoided as well as this is seen as a joyous activity.

During the Shloshim, mourners continue to say Kaddish in shul and are strongly encouraged to come to shul at least once a day to do so.  Saying Kaddish is seen as a way of benefitting the soul of the departed and helping them to ascend to their proper place in the world-to-come.  Another custom to benefit the souls of our departed family is the study of Mishnah  (2nd century CE codification of the Oral Torah).  Mishnah has the same Hebrew letters as the word Neshama (soul) and so by learning Mishnah we give strength and merit to the Neshama of our loved one. It is often customary to complete at least one tractate of Mishnah during the Shloshim and to make a siyum, a celebration of concluding a section of Torah learning on the thirtieth day.

When a festival such as Rosh Hashanah, Sukkot, Pesach or Shavuot falls during the Shloshim, that festival interrupts the mourning process and the tiry-day period is cut short.  Rabbi Soloveichick explains that the mitzvah of celebration of the holiday overrides the restriction on celebration, and once that restriction has been lifted for the festival, it is not reinstated thereafter.    

For family members other than parents, the Shloshim concludes the mourning cycle and thereafter one is no longer in a state of mourning and can return to fully normal participation in celebrations and partake in indulgent pleasures.  For parents, the mourning process continues for another ten months.

Step 5: Saying Kaddish for Eleven Months

The process of mourning the loss of a parent is prescribed for eleven months.  One reason given for this duration is that the “maximum sentence” for even the most wicked evildoers is eleven months in purgatory.  While we certainly don’t want to think of our parents as sinners, the sense is that during this time, particularly the children of the deceased can do a great deal of good for the souls of their parents. Therefore children continue to say Kaddish in shul for eleven months following the funeral.  It is also common for people to continue to learn Mishnah on behalf of their parents.  This is thought of as acquiring merit on their behalf, as though they themselves had dedicated the time and effort to studying Torah. Furthermore, we can increase their merit even beyond their death by showing “what wonderful pious children they raised”.  Therefore it is appropriate to make a serious effort to come to shul, learn Torah and pray with renewed enthusiasm.  Those men who are capable of leading the prayers are encouraged to do so as the prayer leader says kaddish an additional number of times beyond what mourners say.

During this time (but after the shloshim) the personal prohibitions regarding taking haircuts and indulging in pleasures are lifted.  However, it is still customary to abstain from participation in celebratory activities such as parties and wedding celebrations unless you are playing a contributing role in the celebration.  Therefore often people still saying kaddish for their parents will volunteer to take pictures at wedding celebrations thereby allowing them to fully participate.

Step 6: The Unveiling

Within the first year after the funeral it is generally the practice to have an unveiling ceremony when the gravestone is placed at the grave.  In many ways, the unveiling is a mini-funeral – family and friends gather at the grave, say psalms or other scriptural readings, may give eulogies and then read the inscription on the headstone. The ceremony concludes with the mourners reciting the mourner’s kaddish (not the graveside kaddish said at the burial itself). 

Like at the funeral, Jews generally do not bring flowers to place on graves. However we do have the custom of each attendee placing a pebble or small stone on the headstone.  This is a sign of honor and respect to the deceased.  Just as the burial of the body allows the soul to ascend to heaven, this act of symbolically adding to the gravestone is thought to further facilitate the elevation of the soul into the heights of the heavens. 

Step 7: Yahrzeits

Every year on the anniversary of the death (not the funeral) we observe the Yahrzeit.  Yahrzeit literally means “year time”.  Much like we celebrate birthdays on earth, the yarhzheit is essentially, the “birthday in heaven” which marks the elevation of the soul to a higher rung in their ascent. 

We generally mark yahrzeits with several observances, lighting a 24 hour candle, saying Kaddish with a minyan and leading the prayers, saying words of remembrance and learning Torah on behalf of the deceased.  Many people also have the practice of eating foods and making a bracha with the intention of donating the merit of the blessing to the soul of their loved one.  It is also common to sponsor a class, kiddush or other offering at shul,or to get an aliyah or give tzedakah,  again in order to donate the merit of teaching or feeding the congregation to the ascended soul.  In classic Ashkenazi culture, people often fasted on their parents’ yahrzeits; today however that practice is less common. On the Yahrzeit it is also appropriate to visit the grave of your loved one as it is believed that souls return to the gravesite to visit their bodies on the anniversary of their passing.